Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences