My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome