Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )