*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Aight bet
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.