the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
These are too funny not to post 😂
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.