A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
fixed it
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN