*seductively eats two tums*
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*lint rolls you awake*
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there