This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Fidel Castro was alive?
Well well well…
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
This is my emotional support knife.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.