I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.