Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
And bowling should be called pinball
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours