My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
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If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
So creative 😂
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?