5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
sry
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.