Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.