[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Squirrels before girls.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM