Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
All food is good if you spell it wrong
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.