Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
m’lady
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.