*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
how to exercise your calf muscles
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*