Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Go girl power!
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache