[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You Might Also Like
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers