It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.