I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.