karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
cyclists
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.