Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
You Might Also Like
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
This is my favorite one of these!
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.