Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.