Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
You Might Also Like
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
do horses think humans are hats
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?