You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The Birdles
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
How is it still this week?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.