sigh
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.