Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
You Might Also Like
So, can we agree on 4 or
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.