Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?