Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
no such thing as a dumb question
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.