Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
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Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
This is always good for a laugh.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says