Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I need a headline like this
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers