ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.