me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
do what now??
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Ain’t no way
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.