If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
All is fair in drunk and war.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah