I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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I only look at Wordle for the articles
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers