DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Interior design 👌
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.