It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.