If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
sigh
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
O Wise One….
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?