In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’ve had relationships like this
This is so me 😂😂
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.