me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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my favorite genre of twitter
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope