Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Leaving the Barbers like
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop