Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
You Might Also Like
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you