Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
me adding lol on a serious message
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
How to draw a duck
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now