In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually