Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
☺️
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
When you’re here for the treats.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.