Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
secret recipe
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.