[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I know
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
OKAY DAD