Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Choose your fighter