When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
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If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
…żyje?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Buck naked
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.